You're Not Good, You're a Viciously Nice Coward

This was the issue that almost killed me.

Unhealthy Narcissism is to do too much for someone else.

If you have a kid, you do as much for them as needed, but let them have optimal challenges. You don’t help when you feel an impulse to steal their destiny because you are feeling anxious because they are needing you less. Shame on the parent who puts the toothpaste on the toothbrush of a child who is older than 5.

It’s the same in a marriage.

You will avoid conflict and do too much, in a selfish, unhealthy narcissistic way, to make the marriage “secure”, but that’s an illusion. You’re killing desire by keeping the peace and keeping the peace just means to be a coward and not contend with the conflicts in your relationship nor within yourself. Find a good psychotherapist, therapist or psychoanalyst and figure out what you’re not contending with because you are deciding to invest in being a viciously nice coward.

And make sure this clinician isn’t an affirming viciously nice coward themselves.

There are things you can do outside of therapy. Say to your spouse, “I’ve been working with my therapist and I’m afraid to bring up anything negative. This is confusing and something neither of us want. What can be done about this?” Then you give each other a few minutes to talk uninterrupted. In this talk, negotiate your own needs and listen to their needs. And you can break down huge problems into problems and then those problems into specific-problems until they’re small enough for you two to contend with them without destroying each other in the process.

Find your cooperative enemy within the resentment and attack that together.

And we do this because the world is a shitty place, and you two are both shit-heads, but in your marriage, you promised to stand shoulder to shoulder to attack anything that comes after your marriage and family, so do it. Even if the problem is your shadow and enemy-within. Break it down, tear it apart, and execute it in the meaningful energy of having an exciting relationship because you two are able to murder the cancers that come for you.

If you two aren’t the kind of healthy narcissist that will discriminately murder enemies for and with each other for the marriage you promised to uphold and protect, then you two are just suckers. But you need to know what you want. Your spouse isn’t psychic and isn’t the perfect mother who will know what you want before you know what you want or know what you want without you telling them. Don’t be afraid to tell yourself what you want, but analyze it to make sure it is necessary and a needed want and not something that is selfish to continue to consume the soul of your spouse. Because to keep the peace is to destructively consume the other person’s work, to eat their soul and body, because what they do is fueled by their body and soul.

The world ultimately will eat us up, so you don’t need that at home.

Lastly, don’t be hyperaggressive or the post-modern-feminist-narcissistic/black-pill-narcissist. Figure out what you are resentful about and what you’d like done about it so you are excited to serve your spouse and family and they then are excited to serve you.